During the first year of trying to conceive, I was able to remain optimistic month after month while Jordan felt the disappointment intensely. I remember her crying at night, “What’s wrong with me?” , “Why can’t I get pregnant?” , “What’s wrong with my body?” I remember praying specifically, “God, whatever the issue is, please let it be me, not Jordan.” I didn’t want her to put the blame on herself. I didn’t want her to feel the pain of being the “cause” of infertility.
At the intersection of belief and experience, will you trust God’s goodness, or rely on the certainty of your pain?
We had it all planned out. We would get pregnant in September, and have our baby in June, so my teacher-husband could have three months off with our newborn. It was a great plan. It just wasn’t God’s plan.
The loss of conceiving biological children is not a loss that many understand, but it is a loss. I felt stuck in my grief.
The season of waiting, of loss, of grief, is such a difficult one. It is hard. We are never promised an easy life.
It is estimated between 10-18% of couples suffer from infertility — 1 in 8. This means if you are not one of these couples, the odds are that you know someone who is; however, because it is an extremely hard, emotional, and often private matter, you may never know those who are suffering around you in silence.