I remember holding the hand of a dear friend of mine as she walked the road of infertility and I had a feeling this would also be my story. I never spoke that aloud, in fact, I never even told my husband. He’d find out soon enough. But I knew in my heart.
After unsuccessfully trying for a year to get pregnant, my OB sent me to have an HSG test (hysterosalpingogram) test at the hospital. It was the first step in getting some answers. It was also the last. I remember this day like it was yesterday. It was the Monday after Thanksgiving; it was cold and rainy. The radiologist kindly informed me that one of my fallopian tubes was completely blocked. The other one couldn’t even be detected. Um… what? I was crushed that this was my plight but also devastated for my husband. Poor Jeremy. If he had known this, would he still have married me? All of the questions and emotions flooding my heart and mind were almost too much.
So now what? My OB sent us to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I didn’t even know what that word meant. I certainly googled what an endocrinologist was. At the time, it didn’t mean anything to me that I was sent to a clinic that was 5 minutes from the school where I teach. I didn’t know that there would be weeks when I would have to go to the clinic every single day for blood work during my lunch break, or right after school for ultrasound appointments. God worked out the seemingly small details even before I knew there were details to be worked out in my “now what” questions.
Because of my diagnosis, we went straight for the big guns: In vitro fertilization (IVF). This option was both good and bad: We didn’t spend years on fertility treatments like some couples, but it also meant that if IVF didn’t work for us, there probably were no other options. I just knew that IVF was going to work for us the first time. Yes, this was not how I wanted my story to go, but that’s ok. Just one bump in the road and we’d be on our way. My body responded exactly the way it should have and my doctors were very pleased. They extracted 20 perfect eggs from my body. 17 embryos made it to the 5-day mark.
On March 28 Jeremy and I were on our way out of town for spring break but first, we stopped at the office to have my blood drawn. The whole way I tried to distract myself, but there was nothing I could have done to prepare for when they called, “Lauren I am so sorry, but you are not pregnant this time.” I still remember exactly where we were: 15 minutes from our destination and I begged Jeremy to take me back home.
My heart was broken. Yet, I knew that God had a bigger, better plan for us. Looking back now, I have no idea how I was able to be so cool and calm about this. My world was shattered, but there was one thing I was sure of: God was faithful and good.
Had my results been different that day, my thoughts towards Him would not have wavered. If my dad taught me anything in life (and he sure taught me a lot), it was that no matter my circumstances, God was still God, and He was still on the throne. The life lessons he started imparting to me at a young age were coming back to be my lifeline in the hardest season I’d walked thus far.
We had to wait a few weeks before we could gear up for the frozen embryo transfer.
Though I wanted nothing more than for Jeremy and I to be parents, I had to come to a point of complete surrender: if God chose not to give us biological kids, I was ok with that. My identity did not come from being a mom or a wife. It came from who I was in Christ, and that was enough for me. It had to be.
So, when we went in for our second transfer, I knew that no matter what happened I was going to be ok. Jeremy and I were going to be ok. Even at my lowest and most discouraging point, I knew that we would always have each other.
Though I begged and begged God for a miracle, I knew and trusted that God was faithful and good whether the transfer was successful or not.
The morning of our FET, I was reading my Bible and outside of my regular devotion, I was skimming through Psalms and came across this verse:
"He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD." - Psalm 113:9
I was so encouraged by this and knew in my heart that even if this transfer didn’t work, we would one day be parents.
Fast forward to June 2. I wasn’t expecting the call until that afternoon, so imagine my surprise when I turned my phone on mid-morning and saw a voicemail. I was so scared to listen to it. Somehow I mustered the courage to push play. Seems like it took her forever to finally say “Congratulations Lauren, you’re pregnant.” I fell to my knees in my classroom and couldn’t stop crying, I ran down the hallway to tell a friend, and then had to turn around because I forgot to call Jeremy! I was too ecstatic to even know what to do.
That was over a year ago, and I am still so humbled that God gave us these amazing little blessings. (Yes, you read correctly blessings, plural).
I love knowing that even at such a young age, God was preparing my heart for our journey to become parents. A six-year-old little girl’s wish for twins was the beginning of this incredible story that would lead us to become parents. 25 years later.
Yes, God could have spared me the heartache, but it was all part of His plan to draw me closer to Him and His purpose.
Would I wish infertility on anyone? Never. Would I erase it from my story if I had the chance? Absolutely not. I know that is crazy to say and for some of you to read, yet it’s true. What it did for my marriage and my relationship with Christ was and is priceless. I would walk this journey a thousand times over knowing the brokenness and heartache we’d face because of what it has done in our hearts.
In every broken and crushed place in my life, God was right there beside me, holding me tight in His arms. Scripture acknowledges and at times guarantees that we will know pain and brokenness, but it also promises that alongside every broken heart, comes Jesus, whose heart was broken for us and whose body was crushed so that we could know our brokenness does not have to be the end of the story.
Lauren Tesh - Burlington, NC Local WiH Leader - email@example.com
Please comment and share with those in your life who may need to hear her story. If you live in Burlington, NC and surrounding areas please join her February 22nd at Saint Marks @ 6 pm for a city-wide Infertility Awareness Event. It is an event for those going through this season and for those who want to better support, love on and care for those in their life who are. It is a free event, with refreshments and giveaways. We look forward to celebrating the launch of Burlington Waiting in Hope National Ministry local support group with you, for more details please contact the email above or visit here for more details: https://www.facebook.com/events/481715052222542/