SINCE THIS WEEK IS NATIONAL INFERTILITY AWARENESS WEEK WE HAVE PICKED A WORD FOR EACH DAY TO FOCUS ON AND BRING TO LIGHT. THESE WORDS WILL REPRESENT A STRUGGLE OR EMOTION THAT WOMEN DEALING WITH INFERTILITY MAY BE FACING. IT IS OUR HOPE THAT THESE WORDS WILL RESONATE WITH YOU. MAY YOU FIND ENCOURAGEMENT BY HEARING SOMEONE ELSE’S EXPERIENCES OR BETTER UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR FRIENDS/FAMILY MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH.
Day 3: Trust
Infertility can do a world of hurt to everything you trust in. God, your spouse, your own body. This journey is difficult (understatement?) and difficult trials can destroy your trust or completely restore it.
My journey (shared in more detail here) was one that tested my ability to trust in God and in my self in to question.
Brief recap - I lost a pregnancy at 20 weeks due to a rare genetic mutation that my husband and I are both carriers for. The disease caused a ton of pain for our little girl, but we didn't get to find out that there was a genetic issue till several months after she was gone. That time left me losing trust in myself. I was her mother and I couldn't even keep her safe during my pregnancy. I googled (Advice: don't google) and tried to find if I might have eaten anything to cause all of the issues; one doctor had mentioned that it could have been caused by a virus, maybe even the common cold being passed from me to my baby. I replayed every day of my 5 month pregnancy to see what I might have done wrong.
I learned in the month after our loss that I have a heart shaped uterus (sounds adorable but I don't believe it really it) and that may have contributed to several of the major skeletal issues our girl had developed. How could I every trust in my body again when it had betrayed me so deeply?
Through many doctors visits and some counseling, I was helped to the conclusion that no matter what the root cause of the issue was, God made me exactly as he wanted me; poor genes, crappy uterus and all. His plan is to use me, as I am for His glory. And He trusts in my body to work exactly as He intended and so should I.
Which brought me to trusting in God. How do you continue to trust in the Lord and His plan for you, especially when His plan seems to really, really suck.
That is the tough part about infertility or miscarriage. Obviously having kids is an awesome plan and the Bible encourages us to grow our families (Psalm 127: 3-5). So why don't some of us get to get on board the baby train, while it seems everyone else and their dog gets to?
I don't know.
What I do know is, that God asks us to trust Him at all times, and that becomes even more important when we feel lost, isolated or broken.
In my case, getting halfway through a pregnancy and then having it all come to a sudden end did not at first seem like the plan that God would put in my life to bless me and grow me. But about a month ago, I began to see God's plan really come to life. When I shared my story on this blog, I could not have imagined what God was planning to do. I received texts, calls, notes, emails, and Facebook messages from old friends, acquaintances and strangers sharing with me how they had been reminded about God's love for them through whatever trial they were going through at the time. I even had a few women share with me about miscarriages they had been through alone and had never told anyone about before. The Lord truly blessed me through something that was so painful and awful.
I love that this is my daughters legacy. I love that the lessons that she and God taught me about trust and and purpose and hope are being carried out to grow others and God's Kingdom.
When the pain seems like too much to bear, I urge you to trust in God, because His plan is so good. It may take time to get through the heartache and waiting and get a good look at what the plan is, but do know, God has never left your side for one second of this journey. And He is constantly asking you to trust Him.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."
Easier said than done.
But this verse says to trust in the LORD, not my own ability, not my deepest wish, not a doctor's test result. It says trust in the LORD - Jehovah, the eternal God. The one who is the same before you knew you had infertility, during the wait, and after He delivers (His way). You may not understand why He's called you into this season. I've been there too. But instead of questioning Him or dwelling on the pain of the waiting, learn to discover more about who Jehovah is and trust in His name.
He will not let you down. Because I can promise you - because HE promises - that his plan is worth it.
- thanks to Mattie Givens for sharing her story and writing Day 3, follow Mattie @growingthegivens or growingthegivens.com