If there’s any word to describe my feelings lately, it’s isolation. I’m sure there are others out there that feel the same way, so I want to bring you in on this journey with me – as I’m still very much in the middle of it.
I was texting my friend as I was leaving the OB this morning after a follicle scan to see if the Clomid medicine has been working or not. The scan didn’t go so well. I believe God is bigger than science so if He wants me to ovulate later this week I will, but the scan showed that I haven’t progressed as far as most women would at this part of my cycle…meaning it doesn’t appear the Clomid is working. And it confirmed my diagnosis of PCOS.
As I was leaving, I kept seeing one pregnant woman after another and a young couple holding hands and smiling walking towards the OB’s office. No doubt they were heading towards a happy ultrasound to see their baby to be. It just brought tears to my eyes. Here I was leaving after my first ultrasound only to find there is something wrong with me. I couldn’t help but feel completely alone. It seemed like everyone else in the world (well my little world at that moment) had this thing that I deeply desire but here I was with bad news. Again.
Kari Jobe has a song called “I Am Not Alone” and it’s been playing all the time this past week. I hear it on the radio almost every time I get in my car, it comes on my Pandora station in the morning, and it plays on repeat from another playlist I have. It’s not coincidence, I’m starting to think God is trying to tell me something … and I feel like He’s been preparing me for today. He knew I would get some hard news and would be tempted to run and lock myself away.
That’s what we want to do when we have infertility isn’t it? We don’t want to talk about it because it’s too painful.
We feel like no one can make it better so we would rather just stew on our emotions. I’m especially tempted to distance myself from my pregnant friends. Even though I know they love me and only want to encourage me, I’m still reminded every, single, time of how I’m still NOT pregnant and am alone.
BUT that is what the enemy (satan, the evil one) wants me to think! He wants me to isolate myself and think I’m alone. He wants to put a wedge between my pregnant friends and me. He works best in isolation … in the darkness.
Because that’s what isolation really is - darkness. It’s keeping your struggle, your pain, your desires hidden so that you feel all alone.
That’s exactly why I wanted to share this post today – even from the midst of the struggle – I can personally tell you, friend, you are not alone. No matter how hurt you may be feeling or how much you would rather just hide or deal with it yourself. You are not alone. We weren’t meant to face trials in this life alone.
Then your light will appear like the dawn, and your recovery will come quickly. Your righteousness will go before you, and the Lord’s glory will be your rear guard. At that time, when you call, the Lord will answer; when you cry out, He will say “Here I am.” - Isaiah 58:8-9
Your recovery will come quickly after the light of the dawn! Friends, do you see that too? It says our recovery is our healing. Our wounds will be healed. I love how it combines the recovery with the light. It also mentions the Lord’s glory, which is even more light. We are surrounded with it! And it goes on to say the Lord WILL ANSWER when we CRY OUT. You can’t cry out in isolation… you need someone to cry out to! So cry out in fellowship with the Lord and with your friends. He promises to answer! He says “Here I am”. He doesn’t want you to face this trial in isolation. He is Here, with you! Friends does that bring you light in your dark isolation to know "He is Here"?
Listen to this song and think about these beautiful words from Kari Jobe. Repeat them until you can claim them: I am not alone. She writes that the light is breaking through… the darkness will not overtake you. The True Light brings healing to our souls!
When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me
When I'm standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow
I will not fear
I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me
In the midst of deep sorrow
I see Your light is breaking through
The dark of night will not overtake me
I am pressing into You
Lord, You fight my every battle
And I will not fear
You amaze me
You call me as Your own
You're my strength
You're my defender
You're my refuge in the storm
Through these trials
You've always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul
So I would encourage you today if you are going through infertility, talk to someone about the struggle today - even if it’s hard and nothing in you wants to text or call that friend. Don’t listen to the lie that you should keep to yourself. If you have a friend facing it, reach out to them today! Don’t be afraid to ask how they are doing. Let’s bring this struggle to light so that we can experience the Lord’s healing power that comes with it.
Callee Maglothin - Waiting in Hope Chats host/teacher, WiH writer