Until Heaven (a momma's letter)

today is October 15th - National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness DAY. this is a note from a wih Local leader to her sweet angel baby. we pray this is comforting to read and a sweet way to help you honor and remember YOUR special baby or babies during this day and month.

My Dearest One,

We would now be in the throws of the terrible twos if things had gone as our family hoped they would. Gosh, how I would love to be holding your precious goldfish-crumbed, squishy toddler face in my hands and smothering you in kisses right now, telling you how your life is one of God’s absolute greatest joys to me. Yet, reality is that your due date will come this time every year and I’ll be reminded of the birthday party we’re not celebrating. I’m constantly aware of your absence and the gap that will always be in our family.

Every September 13th I just want to be by myself for a while, hand on my tummy, remembering when we were the closest. Do you remember? Did you know my joy in carrying you? 

Giving you back to God was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I often ask God to scoop you up in His mighty arms and talk to you about me... How deeply I love you child. 

How you will always have a place in our family. How you are not forgotten. How my love, preparation and excitement for you was not in vain. How your big brother draws you in pictures of our family and will come crawl up in my lap and cry because he wishes you were here, too. How God purposed your life. He calls his children by name. Emmett. Your name means “powerful”. We heard and loved that name the day before we found out that your heart had stopped beating. Though you never took a breath this side of Heaven, God’s intention for you is certainly powerful.

All of these things, I so badly want you to know. Not that you are lacking ANYTHING in the presence of God, and in that I find true delight. You are complete. You know nothing short of ultimate satisfaction and joy. You’ll never know pain; you’ll never understand the cruelty of this broken world; you won’t experience sin, disappointment, mean kids, learning disabilities, comparison, failure and loss - All the struggles that remind us that this is not our home. You, on the other hand, are where you have always belonged… with your Creator.

I have to remind myself to take comfort in that because I would have never chosen it. I want to hold you and kiss you and talk to you. I want to demonstrate my love for you and joy in being your mommy. I want to walk through a lifetime with you here. But, sometimes we don’t have a choice. He writes our stories. I cling to the testimony of so many who have gone before me, that He writes richer, fuller, deeper and more beautiful stories than we can imagine. He is before all things and in him all things hold together (Col 1:17) I trust him with our story. Nothing is lost. Your life is not wasted. He uses it all.

In my grief, I remember confiding in my close friends, “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say that losing our baby is worth whatever good comes from it.”  That’s when I started realizing the depth of God’s love. For the joy set before Jesus, he endured the cross (Heb 12:2). Jesus gripped the promise of eternity in the midst of his suffering. It’s no small thing to give your life for a greater purpose. And because of my perspective now, I see that it’s an entirely different thing to give up your child. I could have never willingly given you up...

but God… so loved the world, that he sent his one and only Son, so that whoever believes in Him will not die but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)  He CHOSE to send Jesus on our behalf with the intent to sacrifice Him. His eyes were set on future glory. Because of you, I get it a little more now - the depth of God’s love for His Son, the magnitude of that sacrifice, His understanding of future joy, and the richness of Him working all things together for our good and His glory.

It’s taken years of processing, but I’ve come to understand that grief and joy in God’s promise of hope can coexist. It doesn't nullify the pain, it gives the pain purpose. For me, sorrow in losing you and joy in God’s fulfillment of a greater purpose will always intertwine.  My hope rests in knowing that this suffering can’t compare to the joy that awaits those of us who love Him.

As your mommy, I just want you to know... I am so proud of you. He has wielded you to increase my faith. He is using you to show suffering people where true Hope and abundant life are found. I’m so proud that your legacy points to Jesus.

Even in light of God’s goodness and provision and restoration, I will still spend a lifetime loving and missing you. I have hope that one day you and I will meet under God’s grand painting of beauty from ashes, and stand in awe of its magnificence. And with your little hand in mine, I will proclaim “It was all worth it.”

While I grieve that very few people here will know you and love you with me, I recognize that our lives are for the purpose of knowing and being known by God. So, in all reality, you’re living the dream, Sweet Emmett.

Until Heaven…
I carry your heart with me
(I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it
(anywhere I go, you go, my dear…)
- EE Cummings


I love you, 


And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. Matthew 7:25

- Amanda Nicholson l Leader for WiH Tyler l Thank you for beautifully expressing what us Momma's can feel for our babies gone too soon or held too shortly. Follow Amanda @amandareneen or her amazing lettering gift @whitepepperink

-Waiting in HOPE- Until Heaven (a momma's letter)