SINCE THIS WEEK IS NATIONAL INFERTILITY AWARENESS WEEK WE HAVE PICKED A WORD FOR EACH DAY TO FOCUS ON AND BRING TO LIGHT. THESE WORDS WILL REPRESENT A STRUGGLE OR EMOTION THAT WOMEN DEALING WITH INFERTILITY MAY BE FACING. IT IS OUR HOPE THAT THESE WORDS WILL RESONATE WITH YOU. MAY YOU FIND ENCOURAGEMENT BY HEARING SOMEONE ELSE’S EXPERIENCES OR BETTER UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR FRIENDS/FAMILY MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH.
Day 5: Purpose
Purpose is a word that has kept me going during a season of infertility. This word fills me with hope that the Lord has a purpose for this season. In this season of “not yet” and “keep waiting” the hope I have is that the Lord is always who He says He is and He alone is in control.
It is National Infertility Awareness Week, but I know you are painfully aware of this every day. Your hurts are real. The sting of every passing month is real. It is so easy to get lost in the cycle of despair, misery, pain, jealousy and hurt. And I know people will say a lot of things with a sincere heart to try and make you feel better but a lot of times it just stings even more. For example, I know I heard a lot that God has a plan so I shouldn’t worry. But it feels like if this is God’s plan, then His plan isn’t very good. I want to encourage you today that I’ve discovered, in the midst of the pain, His plan is still good and He is still sovereign.
Over the past year, my biggest fear is that I would miss what God had for our family. A part of me knew that the Lord wanted to speak into our lives. My heart knew that if we had all the children we dreamed of having, but didn’t have the Lord, our life would still be empty. You see, my laser focus on how and when our family would grow caused me to be bitter towards God. I know He alone creates life, and yet, for some reason He wouldn’t create a life in me. You know who that voice of anger and doubt belongs to? The enemy. The devil. Satan.
Every time I would pray, I felt like a broken record, coming to God as if He was a genie that would grant my wish.
In September of last year, I heard the Lord clearly. It was time to leave my job. With no plan. In fact, the exact opposite of the plan I originally had. I was supposed to be leaving my job in September because I was pregnant and about to have a baby. I thought that was a pretty good plan and I’m an excellent planner if I do say so myself. However, God had something different in mind and was really throwing a wrench in the everything I had planned. I guess pride really does go before the fall. Despite my best efforts to forget what I heard, I still felt like God clearly said “leave” and I couldn’t ignore that voice. I left my job of seven years with nothing waiting for me. And without even being pregnant. Disclaimer: This isn’t a formula and quitting your job might not be the answer. It is just what God lead me to do. Unemployment is fun for about a week and then you realize that you are bored and alone and you still have no baby. Not exactly the dream of eating bon-bons and tanning next to a pool I used to think of when I imagined quitting my job.
In the months after that, I learned to pray beyond the superficial genie prayer I had been praying.
Then Lord was able to take me from a season where I was primarily focused on my family and a baby and shifted my thinking towards Himself. I started to really believe that He had a purpose in this season.
He knew that I wouldn’t listen to Him and I wouldn’t be dependent on Him if He always said yes to everything I planned. He wants more for me and for my faith to go even deeper. He knew that if I was going to say YES to the things He had for me, He would need to clear out some idols I had put into my life. Namely my want for a baby. I began to pray the Scriptures back to God. Rather than praying for what I wanted, I prayed that God’s will would be done. I looked up every verse about persevering. About waiting. About how God was a faithful God. I looked up verses that said God hears my prayers.
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. Psalm 34:17
And we are the righteous because….
God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:21
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12:1
Sister, there is a reason that we have to walk this season. I have drawn so much closer to the Lord during this season than I ever would have if He hadn’t messed up my so-called plans. There is a purpose to this waiting and my prayer for me and for you is that we wouldn’t miss that purpose.
God isn’t done with us. He didn’t leave us. He hasn’t stopped listening to us pour our hearts out to Him.
I started to see where God had given my husband and me new life in our community with new friendships and new insights to who God was. The new life I craved to be in my womb was actually growing inside my heart. He has a purpose.
This is a hard week. This hard week leads to another hard week. BUT GOD is able to do miracles and fulfill the purpose He has laid out for you and for me. I don’t know what He has for you in this season but I know He is a faithful God. I had to learn that even if that didn’t look like a baby or a big family, He was still faithful and His timing was perfect. There is nowhere I can go where God isn’t faithful. There is no season of life where God isn’t faithful. There was no doctor appointment or negative pregnancy test that would mean God had stopped being faithful in my life.You see, His faithfulness is not directly tied to His saying YES to my prayers. Even with the no and not yet, I am realizing that He is the same God and I will choose to believe His promises despite what my plan may be.
I have seen that the purpose of this season in my life was to take my eyes off my broken view of God and onto the majestic beauty of my Creator and Savior. Knowing a purpose exists in this season doesn’t make it easier. Daily I have to surrender my fears and insecurities to the Lord; but after walking this journey, I know that He is more than able to meet me where I am and walk with me wherever this season leads.
“Then Job replied to the LORD: I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted… Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me that I did not know.” Job 42:2-3
Even if you haven’t learned the purpose of your trial just yet, believe that the Lord can do all things and that nothing in his good plan can be stopped. He has ordained this time for you. Let that draw you closer to him rather than getting caught up in the frustration of understanding why.
- thanks to Amanda White for sharing her story and writing Day 5.