He Was There - a story through infertility and adoption

While living in Malaysia in 2005, my heart and eyes opened people saying yes to sweet children through the beautiful and broken gift of adoption. I came home asking everyone, including my parents, why they chose not to adopt in order to grow their families. I remember being shockingly passionate about the children that did not have a mama and daddy, and a home of their own. Looking back, I know the Lord was igniting a fire deep, deep down in my heart for orphans, for adoption, and for a community I knew very little about.

While my husband and I were dating, the idea of adoption came up a few times, but we never seriously talked about it. It wasn’t until we broke up and then he asked me to marry him, (another story for another day), that I told him that I had two things I wanted to run by him first. I asked him if he would be okay to pursue adoption. He said that if we couldn’t have children then we would. And that was good enough for me.

I can see how the Holy Spirit was preparing me for this journey even before I knew I was on this journey. I thought fear was leading the charge in my desire to get off of birth control. It wasn’t. It was God. He was there. I just didn’t see Him yet.

I had peace about not using birth control even that is not very common, especially for newlyweds. (Can I just say that it’s okay to listen to the Holy Spirit even though it doesn’t look like what everyone else is doing? It is). I knew that I wasn’t supposed to be on birth control, plus it made me looney toon crazy.

Those first few months of marriage, I cried a lot. Like a lot. My poor husband was so loving and caring, but I know he had to wonder what he had gotten himself into. The intense longing to become a mommy immediately became all-consuming for me and we did not agree on when we should begin growing our family. This intense longing resembled the fire I mentioned earlier and He was there. I just didn’t see Him yet.

Every month, I would take a pregnancy test. I would wonder if this was the month. I would google all-of-the-things. I’m so tired… I must be…. I am so sick… I must be… Oh my gosh… my toes are tingling…I must be….

Before we knew it, we had been married for four years and those two pink lines never appeared. Those symptoms never came to be. A baby never grew in my belly. We began working with my doctor over the next two years taking steps to grow our family. We endured lots of testing, one surgery, procedures, crying, screaming, throwing of things, and wondering why in the world there wasn’t a baby in my belly. He was there. I just didn’t see Him yet.

I decided 2013 was the year—the year a baby would be in my belly—and I was going to make it happen. Three rounds of IUI and clomid later, there was no baby and I was deeper and deeper in this hole of despair I had dug. The Lord used the only person that could confront me in this season . . . my mom.  

The conversation I had with my mom was probably the most pivotal moment in our journey. The Lord used her to speak truth and to speak straight to my heart. I had been blinded for so long that pregnancy was the goal and really all I needed in life. It was time for the blinders to come off.

He was there then and I can see Him now.

About a month later, my body had normalized from all of the drugs I had been pumping in it and I made tons of changes to my diet. I could finally see and hear clearly. Realizing this was what the Lord intended this whole time was overwhelming in the best way possible.

In June of 2013, we were headed to a friend’s house and we began chatting about adoption. Three days later I checked in with him about what the next steps were after our conversation. We were praying about adoption. So we prayed.

The Lord was fanning the flame in my heart he ignited in 2005. I found myself on my knees praying for my husband. I knew this was what was next for us. I knew that Lord was going to make a way.

I knew that the Holy Spirit would work and move on his heart. I knew that I needed to say nothing. Nothing. For three months, we did not discuss adoption at all. And in August 2013, Dru turned over in bed to me and said, “I’m ready to start the adoption process. What’s next?”

I immediately began crying. Tears of joy and of excitement and praise to our faithful God who had moved mountains in my husband’s heart. The next day we began the application process. Four months later on December 26, we were a waiting family.

We waited all of 2014 to be matched. We were never chosen, but I knew Jesus and I knew His character.  I knew He was working things out for our good. He brought us this far, not to abandon us, but to show us the miracle He had been preparing for us to love forever. Because I knew Him, I knew our baby was coming.

He was there then and I can see Him now.

In November, around Thanksgiving time, I was driving home and saw a break in the clouds. It was dark and gloomy, but I could see where the darkness ended and light began.  The Lord spoke to my heart and said, “The end is near.” Tears filled my eyes and ran down my cheeks. I knew He was there and speaking truth I so desperately needed. 

Tears filled my eyes and ran down my cheeks again because the end was here. The wait was over. This was our baby. This was our story unfolding.

Once again, He met me where I was and showed me in the sky what was on the horizon. I believe He knew I would continue to press into His presence without those words from Him, but in His mercy and grace, He allowed me a glimpse into His plan. I was overwhelmed at how truly good He is to me. In the waiting, crying, and longing…. He is always good.

Three weeks later we were in the ultrasound room finding out if our baby was a girl or a boy. It was a girl, Evangelyn Rose. She was born May 6, 2015. She is the light of our lives and brings joy to us daily.

He was there in our waiting.

He is here in our joy.

He will always be.

Kailey Birkeland - Guest Contributor - Kaileyabirkeland@gmail.com - We love Kailey's heart to support and love on families in their adoption journeys through Cheers to Plan A. Please follow along: Facebook - Blog - Instagram

-Waiting in HOPE- He Was There - a story through infertility and adoption