During the first year of trying to conceive, I was able to remain optimistic month after month while Jordan felt the disappointment intensely. I remember her crying at night, “What’s wrong with me?” , “Why can’t I get pregnant?” , “What’s wrong with my body?” I remember praying specifically, “God, whatever the issue is, please let it be me, not Jordan.” I didn’t want her to put the blame on herself. I didn’t want her to feel the pain of being the “cause” of infertility.
We are a foster-to-adopt home. Even though it took us nearly 9 years to get here, we believe this was what God wanted all along. He knew we had to go through all the tests and heartbreak to allow us to see His plan.
Two years after adopting our first son, we were ready to begin the adoption process again. Once more, God showed how much he loves us.
The tagline of the book Still Waiting by Ann Swindell caught my attention as soon as I saw it. “Hope for when God doesn’t give you want you want” felt like just the perspective I needed in my long wait to have babies.
For most of my life, Mother’s Day was the special day we finally stopped to celebrate the person who brought us into this world. A mothers’ countless sacrifices deserve an ocean of gratitude and way more days of love and thanks than just one. It was a day for flowers and brunch. A day for making your best homemade creation, because what would mom possibly love more than something made by the hands of her child? It was a joyful day.
Until it wasn’t.
At the intersection of belief and experience, will you trust God’s goodness, or rely on the certainty of your pain?